This is my second letter to you and I’ll probably never gather the courage to send you this one either, but I’ll write it anyway. It’s been two months since that last letter and the distance has won this battle.
My heart is in pain, the kind of pain I didn’t want to feel ever again, I’ve been waiting these two months, hoping things will go back the way they were but knowing that you have gone to the next person has stopped the waiting period. I want you or I wanted you for the person you are, the person who’s emotional but never admits it, the person who loves watching people, the person who helps the people he loves when given the opportunity, the person who loves love and isn’t afraid to admit it, just everything you are.
Your presence in my life has made everything so much better, and you might never know this. I no longer have someone who I can share the events of my day with, no longer have anyone to look forward to hearing about their day. It’s like every step each one of us took reminded us of the other person and although it no longer reminds you of me, I still get the urge to tell you about everything that happens throughout my day.
If it is not obvious in all that was written, I miss you… Immensely. How I wish that your habit of keeping distance would not have happened, especially after we had both seen inside the heart and mind of each other.
I never asked for the connection we had, you came to me in a time where the last thing I wanted was to develop a connection with that other world, and yet it happened. To this day I don’t know why it did, but what’s killing me isn’t that it happened, it’s that it ended in the most abrupt of ways. You left a big hole in my world, as cheesy as that may seem, but it is the truth.
But just like I told her, if she is the one that will help you grow, the one that will make you happy and render you speechless, if she’s the one worth your love, then do something about it, don’t hold back. As much as it pains me to write these words, I mean them with all my heart. It will hurt me, but not because of anything other than the certainty that I was not able to touch your heart the way you did mine. I wish you nothing but happiness and love, so I hope you find that.
I truly wonder if any of our memories put a smile on your face the way they all inject an indescribable joy in my heart. I wish the pain that comes after that joy didn’t have to exist but I get these polar opposite feelings everytime I think of you and your goofy laugh.
This isn’t goodbye, I’m not capable of doing that, this is a thank you for all the great times and memories. I remember the smile and joy I saw the day I gave you your birthday gift and that is the way I will always remember you and the times we’ve shared.
I was hoping that the next letter I would’ve written you was going to go the complete opposite direction but sadly this is it. I guess I’ll never know I ever meant to you the way you mean to me. All I know is I feel half rejected, half delusional but I guess that’ll pass eventually.
We’ll see how I feel next time I see you. Till then, I hope that you’re doing better than I am because missing you is one of he hardest things I have to teach myself to overcome.
The girl who’s afraid to send you this