It’s extremely difficult for me to be writing this letter. We have never had the best of relationships. As a child, I remember loving you because of the social and biological standard that is put. After all, you were part of the reason I was on this earth, but that was the limit to which the love I get for you reached.
You see, the perfect depiction of a child’s relationship with their parents, especially a little girl with her father, is the child’s perception that their parents were superheroes, their role models to look up to, the woman/man they want to be and the perfect image of the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with when they grow up. Sadly, that couldn’t be further away from the truth for me, and I truly hate that.
As of the present time, growing from a child into a 23 year old woman, I can understand the way we were raised a lot more and I can forgive what I never thought I could. Not that I accept the way you saw fit to bring us up, but at least I can’t understand it. As a child, I only did what was expected of a child that was being treated the way I was. It took a great deal of maturity for me to be able to reach the point that I have reached today.
I understand that you were brought up in a completely different time, with completely different surroundings, with a family that think the way you do deep down in you’re core. But with the current time, the current way the world is, that is not the way I want to be thinking, it was never the way I want to be thinking. I have always rebelled towards the way you think, have always felt the need to be independant, to no longer be held by the short leach you kept tugging at when I was growing up. The biggest problem I faced and still face to this day, is your inability to budge when it comes to me and the way I see things, it was always either your way or no way at all. But that cannot continue at the age I’ve reached, graduating from college, starting my own life. Compromise needs to be a concept we apply for us to be able to try and fix what is left of our relationship.
God knows I wish I could change or erase the memories in my mind so we can move past them, so we can build a better relationship. But as understanding as I can be, as forgiving as I can be, my heart shatters everytime I think of your hand giving me blows because of my grades, the spitting in my face because of the way I couldn’t accept the way you treated me, my mom or my brother, and the screams of anger that seemed to fill the air of my childhood.
We still have our issues. I can never seem to shake the feeling that my own father could not understand me, accept me, appreciate me or feel proud of me. You started using the words “I’m proud of you” over Facebook for the past few months, but then all the words and actions that are carved into my brain pop up, and I cannot erase them yet. The feelings that dominate most of my childhood memories are negative; feelings of shame, hatred and anger.
I feel like there is too much negativity radiating from my words, so the next few will be as positive as possible. You are a great provider for this family, doing everything in your ability and surpassing these abilities, to give us the best life you could provide for us. You have reached so much in your career and you are truly great at what you do. I wish were a motivating factor towards the success you have achieved in your career rather than a burden, although the latter seems to be the truth.
Most of the time, I feel like we come from complete opposite sides of this world. Although physically I may seem to be a copy of you, our brains could not be any more distant. That does not change the fact that I love you and appreciate everything you have done for me and my brother. I just wish that came a bit more unconditionally than they actually do.